Evaluating Change

As it comes closer to my close of service, I have become increasingly reflective on how my time in Uganda has changed and transformed me. Of course this is a huge undertaking, in two years I have really undergone a lot of change. While thinking about it I began to notice that I have undergone both positive and negative changes that come from a variety of experiences I have had in Peace Corps. I suppose this is natural throughout life, but being that I am very cautious and tend to worry about how I think and act, I have begun to focus a bit more on the negative changes and their causes. However, I want to give attention to both.

Much of my time in Uganda has been spent waiting for something to happen. Things move very slowly here and people go by what they call “African time.” Whether I was going for a parent meeting at school, participating in a staff meeting, at a celebration or event listening to a speech, in a taxi trying to go somewhere, or at home expecting a visitor on a project I was working on, I waited. Sometimes for hours and hours. At first this was infuriating; why can’t people show up on time and why do people have to keep repeating each other and asking the same questions, and why can’t we just go with a decent amount of people in the taxi when we know we will pick more on the way, and for the love of god why don’t people come to see you when they say they will or at least don’t lie to me and say you are 10 minutes away when you have not left your house yet and you have a visitor? I still ask myself those questions, but I have also asked many Ugandans those questions and learned a good deal about culture and personalities here. In an American setting, this would not be acceptable. However, living in a Ugandan setting I have really learned patience, a surprising amount of understanding, and learned the importance of investigating why something is taking so long rather than just assuming people are lazy or not responsible. This has really helped me to interact with people in a much more polite and empathetic way, rather than demanding they do things the way I am used to. Now it may be that having a culture that does not value time is detrimental to development, but it is not in my power (nor should it be) to change an entire nation’s culture. In fact, this is the most positive transformation that I have undergone: never assuming or judging someone from a different culture for doing something strange or that makes me uncomfortable before taking the time to understand the reasons behind why they do it. It is about seeing people here as people, human beings, who reason and feel just like I do but who live in a different setting and were brought up with different circumstances and values. I can only hope that I will have this sort of patience and forgiveness with people when I go back to my own culture to live and work.

On the flip side, I have spent a good deal of time here alone. I live decently close to other volunteers and spent many of my weekends with other Americans, but much of my daily routine consisted of me living and being by myself. On the plus, I have become very independent and comfortable being alone. This was something I seriously struggled with before joining Peace Corps. I can entertain myself, I don’t need someone there to make me feel good, and I can get many of my wants and needs met. However, I am concerned that I have become a bit too used to being on my own, which has led me to be less of a good friend in groups. I find myself being sucked into my phone more often, being less tolerant of other peoples’ points of view or opinions, not compromising and doing what other people want to do when it is different from what I want to do, and sometimes even thinking that people are so different from me in their values and beliefs that I don’t really want or need to be around them. It is rather selfish and sends out huge warning signs because I know very well that people tend to get more set in their ways as they get older and I do not want to become close-minded or not enjoyable to be around. Yes I love my life and it is good to care about one’s self, but it is not acceptable to stop caring or being considerate of other people’s wants and needs--especially when those people are your friends. All my time alone has allowed me to get used to eating what I want when I want it, watching the TV or movie I want, going somewhere I want and leaving when I am ready, not having to share anything, getting to be on my phone for as long as I like, and spending so much time in my own head thinking the way I think where no one is questioning it or making me wonder if I am right or wrong…therefore I am always right, right? I am now beginning to understand what a detrimental thing solitude is. You begin to think you are really getting to know who you are, but then you slowly start to lose yourself instead.

Now I do think I am a good person and a good friend, with things to improve on and be conscious of like anyone else. However, it is really important to me that I do not lose track of my good qualities and neglect working on my poorer qualities. I definitely bring a lot to the table with friends, co-workers, family, and people I meet or interact with daily; I am extremely social, friendly, and relaxed in most situations and try my hardest to see the good in people and not the negative. But rather than taking those closest to me for granted, I do want to spend more attention on treating them with what they deserve.

Change is natural, our lives and personalities are fluid. But I do think it is our responsibility to be in charge of the way we interact with others. Going through such an experience with culture shock, discomfort, and having to self-manage so much I have grown a ton. But I have realized that negative change also takes place during transformative experiences and it often times is less obvious than the positive change, but deserves just as much recognition and awareness.